A Statuesque Woman
My mother-in-law is dying. My husband and I said our goodbyes two days ago and now restlessly await a phone call that will tell us it is over. At eighty nine, this 
once 5’11′” statuesque woman is giving up the fight. She has suffered long enough; in and out of the hospital and rehab so many times in the last year, only her husband, her caregiver knows the number exactly.
My father-in-law has cared for Mom every step along the way the last ten years, her steady decline less obvious to him than the rest of us. Now, he carries the scars of the caregiver who cared too much. Also eighty-nine and alert as ever, he is full of vim and vigor on the inside, but his body tells the tale of the war he has been waging. His slight 5’6″ frame carries almost no fat. His loose thin skin where muscle once held sway is bruised and bandaged, the scars of the heavy lifting he has been doing.
It is a love story…a call to the timeless commitment of a sixty year marriage…something too few in subsequent generations will experience. They have been through war together, both on the battlefield in WWII, he an enlisted man, she a nurse, and a war of a psychological kind that only abuse can wage. As husband and wife they shared in the birth and raising of five children, numerous grandchildren, and a one great-grandchild. They have known poverty and wealth in equal measure, joy and sorrow, good times and bad. They have shared a love of family, friends and good times; music, home and boating; nature, birds and old re-runs. My heart breaks for him as he sits and reads poetry at her bedside , soft music playing in the background, even as I know firsthand the damage he has done.
His work is over. The endless hours of energy spent keeping his beautiful bride going..moving, eating, dressed, comfortable..now ending. The day has arrived where sleep is her only activity. Lying in a hospital bed right next to the bed they shared for sixty years she no longer eats. There is nothing left for him to do except wait, as we do here three hours away. We will all be together soon to honor her passing.
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Dorothy Sander
Oh Dorothy – this is such a poignant post. Thank you for sharing it with your readers.
Thank you for sharing their story. I am in tears…of sadness for him and also tears of joy because they shared a beautiful life together. I will pass along your letter to my daughter, now engaged, and to a few friends that will love this story and to others that need to believe it’s possible.
My prayers are with him….that he fills his remaining days with family and friends. Ofcourse, she will always be with him.
Kathleen Sampson
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My heart goes out to you. We lost my father in March of 2012 after a long good-bye of several years. My stepmother was by his side until the very last moments and was a caregiver extraordinaire. She is a true heroine and an example of love and commitment. ((Hugs))
Dorothy, your family is in my prayers. Sending compassionate & empathetic hugs to you! I have witnessed the same as you when my mother was dying in 1999 and I watched my Dad. It was one of the saddest things I’ve seen, so my heart goes out to all of you. What a beautiful tribute to your MIL & FIL. Your words are so descriptive of two caring, loving & faithful people. Thank you for sharing their story.
My mother-in-law, Lyla Frances Pardoe Sander, left this earth a better place than she found it, at almost the exact time I published this post this afternoon. We will miss the style and grace with which she filled each room she entered, but know that she is at last at rest.
Thank you all for your thoughts and compassion. The support of women like you makes everything in life at little bit easier. Blessings on each of you.
That was lovely, Dorothy. I thought about this last night “We will miss the style and grace with which she filled each room she entered.” I’m so blessed to have had her smile, her bright eyes, her amazing voice and her laughter as part of my child and adulthood. She will be sorely, sorely missed but what a blessing to have had her as part of our lives. Thank you for expressing it so well. See you soon.
Thank you Steph. We are very sad tonight.
You are not alone.
I know. It warms my heart to be surrounded by the love of the extended family online. Technology has been a blessing in this way; has drawn families back together again.
That was so beautiful as was she. I have so many memories …. that amazing voice will now sing in heaven.
My Grandmother, Irma Pardoe Coleman was Lyla’s father’s sister, which makes my Mom her first cousin. I only met Aunt Lyla a few times as a child so I don’t have the memories and closeness that your family has. I do wish to pass along my deepest condolences to your family. Your article is an amazing tribute to a woman who obviously brought so much joy to so many people.
Denise, How did you happen upon this post? Thank you so much for stopping in to read it and I will pass your condolences on to the family. The funeral will be a week from today and I hear family members are coming from far and wide. Lyla will surely be smiling on us from heaven at the gathering. She loved family so.
Sorry for the anguish you and your family must be going through. Your father-in-law sounds like such a remarkable person. I will pray for everyone. My mom is also 89 years old and at times it is so hard to watch them change and have less mobility and strength.
Thanks Sharon for your kind thoughts. It is hard to watch our parents decline. We’re so used to them being in charge and the strong ones. I learned a whole bunch from my Mom in her last years by being with her through the dying process. We can accompany them and while it may seem a gift to them, it is also a gift to ourselves. We learn so much and have the memories with us when they’re gone.
Dorothy,
What a beautiful story to share. I have a bit of an idea of the pain you and your husband are going through. I am grateful to her, although I never knew her, for helping to create the series of life events to bring you the love of your life. May you and Scott have 60 or more truly happy years..
My heart aches for your sadness, but what a lovely tribute to your husband’s Mom and Dad that you wrote. My mother passed last September and I miss her so. The last few months were difficult but we do what we have to when we love someone, to make their passing easier. I pray that you and your family will find solace in the wonderful memories.
I’m sorry for your loss DeDe. My Mom has been gone for almost 5 years and I still want to pick up the phone and call her. Like you say though, the memories are alive and well and can be relived again and again. What a blessing. Let’s hold on to them!
I am sorry for your family’s loss, Dorothy. Once again you have such a wonderful way of expressing things. I see my parents in them in the number of years married and my father is now caring for my mother and has been for several years now. These are true love stories and blessings. I wish you all peace and continued love.
Dorothy, please send my heartfelt sympathy to your family. The story of your parents-in-law, which I’m sure feel just like your own folks, was told beautifully by you. The love the entire family has for each other is heartwarming. You are all in my prayers.