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Grandmother’s Afghan

June 8, 2011

I think I’ve lost my nerve. I say “I think” because these days it comes and goes with the wind. When or why I lost the ability to try new things I can’t say for sure. It seems like I’ve been this way forever and like my grandmother’s hand crocheted afghan over the back of our couch, I seem to be planted for good, or until they carry me out, put me in the ground and new owners move in. (I’m sure they will hate the couch as much as I do and Grandma’s afghan. She never could get colors right.)

The last time I remember pushing my life ahead in a radical sort of way was about ten years ago when I felt the surge of midlife power that seems to afflict women about the time they turn fifty, give or take. Free at last, we’re ready to take on the world with almost all the gusto we had when we were twenty.

It’s not as easy as we imagined and soon we find ourselves knocking on the door of sixty and wondering when the hell we’re ever going to get it right? Keeping up with national crises, husbands having heart attacks, children refusing to launch, elderly parents and bad drivers take its toll. How does one get anything done in this life? Add to that a stubborn metabolism and adrenal fatigue and you have a recipe for grandmother’s afghan on the back of the couch.

And so I’ve lost my nerve. Today I sit, wondering what the hell it’s all about, Alfie.

Crochet for Charity

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. June 8, 2011 1:29 pm

    Great insight and a wonderful thoughts to ponder. I do agree that at 50 for me it was about ‘charging ahead’ to create something extraordinary. Now, just over the edge of 60 I, too, seem to have lost my nerve. And ye s.. it is about all that has gone on in the ensuing years. I am now on a quest to discover who the new me is going to be and where I am going from here. Thanks …

    • June 8, 2011 2:31 pm

      Merry, is it really time to re-invent again? LOL I think perhaps you’re right. It’s time to acclimate to the changes that have taken place and to figure out what’s important now and let go of what was important at fifty. Gosh, we never get to just be ~ or maybe that’s the problem. We need to learn to “just be”. No more “just do it!” 🙂

  2. June 8, 2011 2:15 pm

    Haven’t really lost my nerve, it’s just I don’t have the energy that I did. Or, I am wiser and know that certain expense of energy isn’t gonna get me there! I am more directed, less random. And some things just don’t matter as much as they used to!! But in another sense, I don’t seem to be going anywhere but around and around. Time is relative I guess and now that I’m 58 time seems to go faster. By me, faster by me. LOL

    • June 8, 2011 2:33 pm

      Sadly I’m not any less random. I blame it on ADD. That surging, creative force that drives me to distraction. I just can’t seem to figure out what it’s all about? In my 30’s I had a sense of purpose. I clung to my ideals and believed in them. I want to recapture that certainty, now, when I need it the most! And golly yes! time zips by!

  3. Kathy Freund permalink
    June 8, 2011 4:29 pm

    I can see how this may be true. At 55 I am “charging” ahead to a new job in a new career field hopefully; however, some days I do feel like this is more than I can handle. Also moving to a new city which I am unfamiliar with. I hope I don’t run out of steam too soon. Just getting a job at my age without much experience is going to be a job in itself!

    • June 8, 2011 4:46 pm

      Some people definitely have more energy than others, but I think the key is to begin to accept that energy is limited and do things a bit differently when possible. Maybe we don’t have to do things at the pace and speed we used to do them and even to begin to accept that “adapting” as we age is a bit more difficult, but not impossible! When you believe you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing, that alone can make the journey easier. We’re all on an adventure of one kind or another, that’s for sure!

  4. June 8, 2011 8:36 pm

    I think we all get the blahs. Carrying for everybody literally or just in our mind can be a burden. It is hard to change especially as we get older but we must try so that we are not as stale as the afghan on the back of the couch. Something easy – drink a new drink or try a new dish. If you exercise shake up your routine and do something different. From there move onto other things like travel, a new restaurant, new job etc… Remember if all else fails the couch and afghan will be home waiting.

  5. June 9, 2011 4:05 pm

    Gosh, did this post ever resonate with me. Sometimes I fear that I’ll never figure out what I’m really supposed to be/do. That I’ll have spent my whole life doing work out of expediency rather than purpose. And yes, the energy thing. Started work 2 hours late this morning. Must check out some new vitamins. >-)Thanks for telling it like it really is, Dorothy! xoxoxo

    • June 9, 2011 4:34 pm

      Kathy, sometimes I’m afraid I’ll drag people down with my musings ~ I really wouldn’t want to do that, but gosh it’s hard sometimes! I’m focusing on better health today in hopes that it will make a difference tomorrow. That I can deal with. Yes, vitamins are back on the list. 🙂

  6. June 9, 2011 4:58 pm

    Dorothy . . . speaking one’s truth is always a deepening into one’s Soul. I so appreciate your honest musing . . . couch time is essential in our scurrying world. Hold on, you will know.

    • June 9, 2011 9:09 pm

      Your words always give me a place to rest. Thank you Kay. I am so glad you are a part of my world.

  7. June 9, 2011 8:42 pm

    Dorothy ~

    I can so relate to what you have shared. At 50, I felt motivated to get healthy & strong. But then I found I just didn’t have the oomph to stay on-course. So now in my 58th year, I realize that whatever oomph I had must’ve got up and went. Where? I have no clue but I know it’s not anywhere near me right now. All I know is that I’m tired of pushing myself to do, do, do all day long. I don’t see any point in it anymore. I now find myself desirous of learning to simply “be” and to stop my striving to “become” ~ especially since I have no clue what I was on such a fast-track to become. Oy vey! At this point in time, I think I’ll just go outside, put my feet up and breathe some fresh air and maybe read a good book. Ahhhhh……now that’s a good idea……and I think I have the energy to do that! ^_^

    • June 9, 2011 9:12 pm

      Diane, I sure hope your weather is nicer than it is here! I went for a walk at 8 a.m. to avoid the heat and it’s only the beginning of June. The one thing I don’t know how to stop longing for is the wish to live in a more desirable climate where I could spend more time outdoors. I think perhaps we are supposed to dispense with the striving. I’ve written a new blog which I will post tomorrow after I re-read it and make sure it makes sense that describes my solution today to the problem ~ it is similar to yours! 🙂 We think very much alike, don’t we! 🙂

      • June 9, 2011 9:17 pm

        I’m looking forward to reading your new thoughts regarding this dilemma. As for the weather, CA is experiencing an extremely cool Spring. I think the U.S. has done a flip-flop this year ~ the eastern half has gotten our hot weather and we’ve gotten yours! Oy vey! ^_^

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