The Midlife Warrior

Wisdom Seekers of Aging Abundantly

In the first half of life, most of us forge ahead, carrying with us a collection of ideas and ideals, bequeathed to us by our family of origin. We have an inkling of a self apart from the external influences of our circle of influence and the culture at large, but it has not yet solidified. We need a life time of experiences, to separate the wheat from the chafe, to become winnowed women and learn to make our own bold and daring choices, and ultimately, to merge with our soul directed destiny.     

I think it’s fair to say that most of us in this time and culture live much of our first four or more decades in a place that is less than authentic. Sooner or later, however, if we are lucky, our life experiences wake us up at the deepest level to our mortality. A sense of urgency besets us and we truly understand that it is now or never for us to be and do whatever it is we were meant to be and do in this life. No more playing around. No more second, third, fourth and fifth chances. What we decide to do with this awareness is our task as midlife warriors, and it is indeed a battle to be waged and won.The midlife battle for authenticity can be seen on a variety of fronts. The increasing number of divorces that are taking place after twenty and thirty years of marriage is a perfect example. More and more couples are making the choice to shake up their lives and move away from the happily ever after dream of their youth. They are in search of “something more”. Are they clear about what that is? In most cases I doubt it, but the drive is a positive one as it is a drive away from something that feels destructive and stifling toward something that feels more real and authentic.

I’m not condoning divorce as a means of deriving authenticity, there are too many variables to make such a blanket statement and it can just as easily be a way to run away from our authenticity as it is toward it. The prevalence of divorce, however, does point to the extreme discomfort many couples feel as the internal push for authenticity intensifies. The resultant outcome of that discomfort and the choices made are as unique as the individuals involved.

What is important, is the recognition that at midlife we reach our limit with the status quo on multiple fronts. Things have to change and we know it.  As those of us who have experienced a dark night of the soul have learned, emotional and spiritual angst can provide a powerful turning point in one’s life and give us the emotional and spiritual energy to take the leap of faith that may be required to take a giant leap toward authenticity. We cope and adapt, and adapt and cope, until we can’t anymore and then we make significant and profound changes.

Continuing to use marriage as an example, the progression goes something like this:

• We fall in love. We believe we will live happily ever after.
• We have kids and/or careers and our happily ever after morphs into a focus on motherhood and/or success/purposeful living, etc.
• On a wing and a prayer we plow forward making the best decisions we know how to make.
• Midlife arrives on our doorstep (suddenly and quite without warning).
• Our kids leave home, and in spite of our best intentions they are far from perfect!
• The goals and dreams we knew we would obtain have evaporated before our eyes.
• Our happily-ever-after-spouse is the man from mars.
• Our parents morph into “old people” who no longer seem to have the answer for everything and become the children in our relationship with them.
•  Our bodies begin to show signs of age and the wear and tear of our less than perfect choices. We no longer recognize ourselves when we look in the mirror and the chances of obtaining our “perfect body” are quickly evaporating before our very eyes. We may have had our first “serious” illness and we can no longer deny that we are immune to debilitating, life threatening disease.

These things are the catalyst for change. They are the thorn in our flesh that will not allow us to remain complacent any longer. They force us to take stock of ourselves and our choices and the drive for authenticity begins in earnest. The first question will likely be: What the hell is going on and what the hell happened?  Then we follow a path not dissimilar to that of those who grieve.

Denial: I’m not old. After all, fifty is the new forty. I have lots of time left. All these things will just go away and everything will be fine.

Anger: When we can no longer deny that something is wrong, we lash out. We blame our spouse, our children, our job, our world, our culture, and mostly ourselves. We rage against what is.

 Bargaining: We try to negotiate with the universe: If I exercise and diet, I will get my young body back, right? If I do all the right things, like reduce stress,  and realign my priorities I will feel young again and I’ll have plenty of time to get in touch with my soul self. I’ll get a face lift and a body tuck and start a new career.

Depression: When the reality of age does not go away, we may fall into despair. We feel hopeless to change things, powerless to get our lives “right” and wondering why we even bother or care.

Acceptance: As we allow ourselves to navigate and fully experience this process, and it is a process, we will come to a place of healing and acceptance. We will begin to understand and accept that growing old is just a part of life that may even hold life’s richest blessings yet. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Just as we grieve the loss of a loved one, so too we must grieve the loss of our notion of our ideal life. Then, we can begin to really live and live authentically.

©Dorothy Sander 2013

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