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Walk on Scar Clan

May 9, 2013

Walk on Scar Clan

It has been cloudy and rainy for the better part of ten days here in North Carolina. This is usually my favorite time of year.  I have to fight with myself to keep working as I’d rather be out, camera in hand, tramping through Duke Gardens, just breathing the air.  Instead, as each day went by my mood plummeted and before long I was in a serious funk, feeling half sick with allergies and malaise, and pretty sure I was dying of something.

When I’m in such a frame of mind it doesn’t do any good for someone to tell me or for me to tell myself that “everything is exactly as it should be” or “live in joy” or “just breathe” or any of the millions of upbeat sayings that we see all the time on the internet.  “Hog wash!” as my mother used to say, and her father before her. During the down times I get particularly annoyed with posts on Facebook (mine included) that want us to believe that it’s easy to be happy.

Despite what I may write here and post on Facebook, and I do truly believe what I write and post, it’s almost never that easy or that simple to be happy or even to keep going. It’s a challenge to rise above the pain of the moment and embrace the positive, particularly for those of us who are, as Dr. Estes would call us, members of the “scar clan”, who carry wounds that run deep and wide.

But, as often happens after a rain storm, the sun came out today, and along with it, my mood lifted. Yes, in spite of my allergies, my stomach ache, my angst about life, I felt upbeat. Happily, for the first time in days I looked forward to my morning walk with Rowdy. I let the sun beat down upon me as I hiked up the hill in front of my house and then hung a left, watching the crazed, super fit neighbor woman with her two dogs and pooper-scooper hang a right to avoid me (or my dog; for that, I don’t blame her!) Yep! I was still a wee bit irritated by life, in spite of the sun.

Once on the straight away I picked up my pace. My heart was pumping and I was enjoying the feel of my muscles as they worked. I could almost feel a lilt in my step and a wee bit of joy around the edges. Then it happened. I stepped on a rock and down I went in a silent and unsightly heap. I scrapped my hand and knee on the pavement and that fall-off-your-bike-stinging that always brings back childhood memories, began…and the embarrassment, even though no one was watching…at least no one that would admit it.

Before I knew what hit me, last week’s mental leftovers spilled forth in earnest. “Great! That’s what you get when you start to feel good! You don’t get to feel good. You don’t get to be happy and light-footed. You’re too much of a clutz! You’d trip over a feather given the right opportunity! You know you look really stupid don’t you?” Wow! The mean girl came out in force. It almost took my breath away…again.

But, do you know what I did? Yep, you’ve got it. I turned to her and I said, “Excuse me missy, but will you please SHUT UP!”and the warrior arose from the pavement. Back on the road, around the corner and up the hill I went. The spring made its way back into my step and the pounding of my heart drowned out the stinging of my hand. It was not a catastrophe, just a bump in the road. Literally.

Just like life. We fight through the hard times; talk to ourselves; cheer ourselves on; brush ourselves off and walk on with joy in our hearts when we can and when we can’t, we put our nose to the grindstone and put one foot in front of the other.  If we can’t do that, we cry perhaps, we wait perhaps, we muddle through anyway we can until the clouds lift and the sun returns, accepting that we only have so much control over all that we are and all that we have; the rest is simply a matter of finding the courage to go on.

©Dorothy Sander 2013

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. May 9, 2013 4:48 pm

    Dorothy, It sounds like you might have seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I have it bad. I’m a sunshine junky from CA living in KY. We’ve had an unusually long gloomy season too. It has warmed up this week, but the sun comes and goes. Antidepressants, vitamin D, exercise and florescent lighting helps. Depression is not something that we can think our way out of. People who haven’t gone through it don’t understand. Depression is not something that you choose. It chooses you. Our brain suffers from diseases just like any other organ in our body.

    • May 9, 2013 5:41 pm

      Thanks Brenda. I am a life long sufferer of depression and keep all the tricks up my sleeve. I am the poster child for the anti-depressant industry, or an on-going guinea pig as I really see it. They could learn much about long term use from me and I have plenty of theories to offer them should they ever ask! Things have changed so much over the years. The very thing that once saved my life has now become as common as aspirin. Not sure I like the trend or the fact that the majority of what they told me back when is now said to be untrue. It’s all good. The things you suggest definitely have their value as does exercise, friends and for me writing, writing, writing. I think we have much to learn from our low times and do my best to embrace them whenever they come my way.

  2. May 9, 2013 7:02 pm

    Dorothy ~ you always lift my spirits (even when you’re sharing about a bad day or week) because I can always count on you to lay out life with honest abandon.

    As for Facebook, the upbeat posts I share are reminders to myself (and if they bless someone else, that’s great). As for the sun……well, I know for a fact that I run on solar! I don’t do well with more than three “dark” days. Let that sun shine out & I feel so much better! Glad to hear you’re up and about again! Take care & enjoy your newfound freedom to soar.

    • May 9, 2013 8:01 pm

      Your posts almost always make me feel better, especially your beautiful jewelry! Unless, of course, there’s some critter in distress and then I go by really quickly if I can’t think of anything to do about it! I’m so glad you’re in my world.

      • May 9, 2013 11:40 pm

        Love to you, Dorothy! I’ll try to keep the distressful critters at bay. ^_^

  3. May 10, 2013 12:55 pm

    I’m always comforted by your candor. Abundance is a mixed bag.

  4. June 14, 2013 11:10 am

    I fall on my face all the time, and often in public :(. I even carry walking sticks when my husband and I hike, and I’ve tripped over those :). I have a “dropped foot” which is my official excuse for tripping and falling, but really I’ve been a klutz since I was little. All you can do is pick yourself up, maybe swear a little bit, and then move on. It’s not always easy, but life is too short to let these setbacks get in the way of making the most of it. Loved this post. Keep walking and writing 🙂

    • June 14, 2013 4:22 pm

      Thank you Marie! I’m glad to know I’m not alone! So glad you took the time to leave a comment and hope you’ll be back again soon. 🙂

Trackbacks

  1. Walking with Rowdy & Wayne Dyer | Aging Abundantly | Women Over Fifty | Empty Nesters | Caregivers | Aging Gracefully
  2. Walking with Rowdy & Wayne Dyer | Aging Abundantly | Women Over Fifty | Empty Nesters | Caregivers | Aging Gracefully

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